I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. I didn’t know how he did it every time I see him but I didn’t think that feeling would ever stop. His warm brown eyes and mouth was smiling at me. God, help me, but this man was just beautiful! Oh, did I forget to say hot? Yes, capital H-O-T! The way his chiseled abs and arms stretched around his black shirt was making me drool, inwardly. How could I ever stop feeling like this?
I smiled at him as he wrapped his hand around his neck. His other hand was behind his back as if he was holding something. He looked nervous.
“Hey, Jess. Uh, yeah, so, what’s up?” He laughed nervously.
I teasingly rolled my eyes at him. “Come on, Matt! Spill it.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed and his eyes widened a bit. “Well…” He took out what was behind him and I gasped. I knew I was over-reacting but if you were giving such thing, it means “something”, right?
“Who are they for?” I asked him.
“Uh… this one’s for you, Jess.”
I was stunned and maybe I was showing that expression because he laughed. Oh, that rich and deep laugh! I would do anything to hear it over and over again.
“Are you serious, Matt?”
“Uhm, nothing. Thank you. This is so sweet. And lovely.” I took the roses from his hands and smiled at him. He was seeing the sweet smile on the outside but inwardly, I was dancing like insane. Maybe the fates were giving me a signal that this was the right time. Plus, there was nothing wrong and no harm to try. Okay, maybe there will be harm if we weren’t on the same page but I was willing to take that pain. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“What are you thinking, Jess?” I kept my eyes closed and began to release my thoughts.
“Well, don’t say anything first unless I’m done. As you can see, Matt, I have these feelings for you. You always give butterflies in my stomach, you always make me smile and laugh, you always make me feel special and you always make me feel loved by. Thank you for all of that, Matt. You don’t know how important these things are. Matt, I don’t know if we’re on the same page but I like to tell you something. For all these years, Matt, I love you. I love you, Matt, more than you know. I love all the sweet things you’ve done to me. I love all the moments you’ve been here for me. I just love everything and you. So there you go, Matt. That’s what I’m thinking. I love you, Matt.”
As soon as I finished my drama, I opened my eyes. He stood there with wide eyes and mouth slightly opened. His face was unreadable but, help me heavens, I hope all of this will turn out good. He looked at his shoes before he said.
“I love you, Jess.”
Fireworks exploded inside me and I felt the rush of ecstasy in my veins. I smiled like a Cheshire cat and began to say something when he interrupted.
“But I don’t want to lead you on. I love you, Jess. Like a sister. Like a best friend. I’m sorry, Jess, but nothing more. I tried once but there was no spark, Jess. I’m sorry. The roses are just a way of greeting you this Valentine’s Day. I don’t mean anything. I’m really sorry if that means something to you. Please, Jess, let us not ruin what we have now.”
And that was when the world began to crumble like breaking glass. And those shards of glass were slicing through my heart. I didn’t know what pain felt like when I was with Matt but now I knew. I felt it. And it sucks. I held back my tears and began to teasingly fan myself. I laughed nervously.
“Wooh! Of course, of course. I’m sorry too, Matt…”
“Please, Jess, I’m sorry…”
I raised my hand to stop him. “I know. It’s okay. It’s this heart damn heart I should blame. I understand. And yeah, I love you, Matt! You’re the best brother I ever have!” I couldn’t help to add the sarcasm in my voice. He was about to take my arm when my sister came rushing down to us, wearing a beautiful black dress. Then something started to hit me.
Matt placed a kiss on my cheeks and went to my sister to hug her. When I saw their eyes, it both screamed passion, happiness and most of all, love. It hurt so damn much. I felt my lip quiver but I managed to hold back.
I should be happy for them, right? But no, I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I was hurting at the point and it really sucked.
Just then, I tried to remember Matt’s face. I tried to remember the sweet thing he’d done to me. I tried to remember all our “sweet” memories. And after remembering almost all of them, I looked at Matt, happily hugging my sister, and promised something to myself.
I will never ever forget the love I loved the most and the love I couldn’t have.