It is not mandatory of mine to write the cliché, New Year farewell messages, but a request of my soul. Perhaps I want to look back, one day, and see the things that I have jotted down – if any of these has already happened or failed to happen. The reassurance of this post will warmly cloud my body and I hope it will truly provide me an extensive comfort.
2015 has been a blast to me – a volcanic eruption I did not know would happen. I had experienced both the blooming activities and vintage routines; I was really thankful for each memory. With it comes the fluids of emotions – a rush of negativity and a gleam of positivity. In this post will I share to you, what I have learned and touched in 2015.
I have missed my home.
My bones were shaking whenever I thought of Milan, Italy – my home. In 2014, I lingered in the country for 9 months and it was, by far, my best existing 9 months. It was glorious and filled with serenity. I have learned to manage the anger easily gushing out of me, to swim deeper into my understanding, and to successfully grow into a better person. Most of the time, I found myself alone and lonely; I embraced it well that I became used to getting things done alone. Perhaps the disadvantage of it was I never wanted to meet new people and I was scared of socializing; well, unfortunately, until today. In ever, I will treasure the fleeting sensations I have invested during my time there. Milan, Italy is not the place I grew old, but the place I grew up.
I do not want to be my family.
Do not get me wrong: they are lovely and love, unconditionally; but, sometimes, they go beyond, negatively, with their human nature and emotions. I feel as if I am clouded with dark tunnels that can never get into the light. We are all hypocrites, by the way, but I am quite expecting that they will be less, since I am already the most. Wrong, though, because they can do it better than me. I will not say that they have dumb opinions, but weak ones (I am not saying that I have the better thoughts, but they tend to lose the point of an event). The best part of it? Do not argue with them because they always win…or, at least, I would always let them win. They insist it to you and it is tiring – you have no choice, but to shut your ‘filthy’ mouth.
They are very pejorative to others, who they think ‘deserve’ their judgement. I am just like that, but the difference is: I keep it in my head while they keep it out their mouths. I will try to stop them and they seem to call me pretentious. Perhaps I really am, but I affectionately take it in me. I just hope my family will listen more, instead of putting their ears out for everyone; I hope they will be more appreciative, instead of heightening their expectations.
I have craved independence.
So far, in my young sense, it has the definition of doing and appreciating the existence of all, alone. When I first entered my freshman [college] year, I did not expect for anything, but to ‘just get done with everything and have a decent job.’ Along the way, I have found friends – and a few persons who I first go with whenever I have senseless things to say because I know they will listen, intently – and it was good; but I want better things. Sometimes, I go around by myself and absolutely dislike it whenever my friends would go crazy over why I trek somewhere alone.
With projects, assignments, or even life obstacles, I can move easily if I am alone – no pressure from others’ eyes, just plain constructive [or harsh, really] criticisms.
I have focused on what I want to do at the present and future – things and hobbies I was not able to do in the past.
I have kept an eye on my writing. In 2015, I have received rejection letters that parts my skin, but I have achieved published works, as well. I have an undeveloped writing that I have attended upon, but I want to expand its edges, in 2016. Somehow, with all these tons of self-doubt, I can see myself being able to write a credible and wise short story.
I have painted childlike paintings and it screams fun! I want to do it again in 2016 because I have noticed that it has improved my mood. Perhaps, if given the time, I will hone this interest; I want to see where it will all go.
I have appreciated and listened sets of independent music! I do not listen to them in the past, but once I have had the chance to listen to Florence + the Machine’s albums back in 2013, I have already known that I want more! A huge thanks to some Youtube channels that have delivered the finest and most unheard songs of 2015. To other independent artists, see you in 2016!
I have learned to give my best gratitude to each occurred event.
Even the pain, the hurt, the ache, the bleeding, the faltering smiles, the fake laughter, the deception, the rage, the madness, the palace, the paradise, the uneventful situations, the successes, the failures, the wins, the losses, the recovery, the time, the happiness, the elation, the euphoria, the howling, the sensible thoughts, the worst, and the best – I thank them all.
Without each, I would not be the person I dreamed of, in the past.
I have learned to forgive and forget.
Who would have thought I could easily forgive a person? If these bad, life scenarios would happen in the past, I would truly get mad and just spook the hell out of that person. Not in 2015, though, because I have wanted to forgive everyone with ease – even those who have made me suffered deep. I just want to hold my forgiving side, longer – it elicits elation in me whenever I forgive someone. Lucky to me, I have managed to just be sad or disappointed, whenever somebody does a nasty thing to me, instead of being mad or in rage.
The best lesson I have learned this 2015 is to forget. Forget the things which I have loved and I have learned, forget the people who I have loved and I have lost, forget the memories where I have died and I have revived, and forget the action of reliving. This might not go well with you, but it does to me. It may sound like an escape, but, trust me, it brings out a better self. I am not saying you go and start a new life, but just forget about the world that drags you down. You can choose, do not worry; but I suggest, you do it wisely.
It is such a beautiful space – the room we live in. I know that without God, I would not be able to have any of these flashes of life. I owe Him all.
I hope we will all get out and breathe both the poisonous and fresh oxygen the city gives. I hope, in every action we cause, we live; I hope, in every decision we make, we rise. I will not forget or disremember 2015, but, instead, laugh at the embarrassing momentums I have done in it, whenever I sit by the balcony and relieve the memories; I hope you will too.
I raise my own, invisible glass of champagne for myself, for the world we live and lived in, and for you – especially for you – that may we all have a great 2016. Thank you so much.
And when I open my brave eyes after I gulp the glass, I will ponder and ask myself: will I see you again in 2016?
Let us find out.
WORD COUNT: 1,338
Thank you for reading this story. If you want to talk about random things with me, do not hesitate to reach me through my “Contact” page. All the best love, my dear.